So back to last summer: I got excited and antsy and
immediately started researching the best specialists again, what to say and
what to do. I won't give the details,
but I had an almost-incredible experience where it became very clear to me that
I was not supposed to seek fertility help.
This made me more excited thinking maybe the Lord was telling me I
didn't need help because it would happen on its own. Immediately that was corrected by the
impression that I was not supposed to have children right now and if I tried I was essentially fighting against
His will. In my head I asked, "Why
did thou tell me that this was right and good and going to happen if it is not
thy will? Did I make up all those
impressions or worse, were they all lies?"
Before I could doubt my faith, I knew immediately how much I had learned--about
myself, women, feelings, friendships, bodies, and empathy. Of course I needed to learn all that, of
course it helped to taste all the hardship others had experienced. And now I, too, had experienced enough for a time. The Lord then told me He didn't see fit for
more disappointment and "failure" and pain. He was trying to help me let go and be at
peace, which happened just in the nick of time.
I was at complete
peace, the way I was in the temple when He told me "no", although I
admit it didn't always last. Emotions
catch up to you eventually, even if you pretend they're not there, and I also
let the philosophies of others get to me. There were those unhelpful comments
where I felt like even if being childless was good enough for me, I perceived it
wasn't good enough for others and they wondered how I could even have a
meaningful life and anything to do without kids or a job. "Poor Isaac and Amber, they just can't
experience joy, not being able to bear children" is what I heard. Actually, before I started wearing the
opinions of others, I had thought my life was pretty great.
There were also the comments that feign being questions, where
rather than trying to understand our history or past decisions, instead sought
to instruct or offer solutions we already knew weren't right. Such as, "Have you considered telling a doctor?" or "Why haven't
you thought about adopting?" as if we're ignorant and those had never
crossed our minds. My sometimes unkind
and unsaid response: "Yah, try 2.5 years ago, people, where have you
been? It's too bad you obviously don't
trust our ability to think or act on something this important, let alone do our
own research and receive our own revelation." Questions such as, "Have you been able
to get the help you need?" or "What are your thoughts on
adoption?" would have been fine.
Other
trying-to-be-helpful-comments came from the other view: "Well don't feel
bad, that's not even true infertility is it?
Some people wait a decade and still never get pregnant [so don't
complain]." True! (But it's still neither compassionate nor
encouraging.)
Don't worry, we know these comments only came out of love
and concern--people wanting to see us happy and successful--but to answer Michelle's original question, those are my
"don't say's".
