At our last monthly
friend gathering, Michelle told me about an article she had read that was
something along the lines of "What Not to Say to Someone Who is Struggling
with Infertility". She asked my opinion, wondering if
there are things that are indeed helpful or unhelpful. The answer is
definitely yes, but my thought was that what can be taken as offensive or
hurtful depends on one's personality, situation, and even what day you're
asking them. In my opinion, no matter what trial it is, I should just
expect that I will offend someone (hopefully unintentionally) and someone will
offend me. You could walk on egg shells about any topic and one might still be upset by it. And yet if no one knows what to say so nothing is
said, that may be equally hurtful and offensive.
One or the other
depends on how you deal with your hardships: do you need people to listen and
ask or do you need them to leave you alone until you can deal with it
internally first (think extrovert/introvert)? I would offer that few people are completely one or the other: we all have days where we would hope someone would
understand us and reach out and days we'd rather just be left alone.
Whenever I grapple with some of life's "what is the balance of ____ and
_____" topics, the only answer I conclude that satisfies me is to go by the Spirit. There can't be any
"never say this and always say that" rules in my book because each
person and their situation is unique. And that goes for the inquirer AND
the potential sharer: each can be helpful or selfish in the roles we all play
as givers and receivers in conversation. For example, a hurtful comment may be
hurtful because of the giver's insensitivity, and it may also be hurtful
because of the receiver's over-sensitivity. We're all trying to do the
best we can at not offending or being offended so let's give the people on both
sides some slack, eh?
Easier said than done,
I know. It's difficult when we can't get in each other's heads and when
people that we think we know and love might not actually be feeling how we
assume they are. It's a guessing game we all have to play. I admire
Michelle for her willingness to play it. She is one of those friends that
is still willing to ask the tough questions, even if it might bring an
uncomfortable air to the room. But she does it anyway because she cares
and sincerely wants to know, and that's brave. So because of her efforts
to care and share, to ask even if it offends (which for me, it doesn't), I'm
going to go out on a limb in my next post and talk about my experience finding and having a family. I'm going to share my story so that others
don't have to play the guessing game with me, either because they were too
scared to ask and don't understand what's going on, or they have asked
and don't know the update or how much I do or don't want to talk about
it. I've heard some argue that we all should be more open so that we can
better help and understand each other. Yet others suggest that hanging
out your dirty laundry online doesn't keep private things private or sounds whiny (I've felt both ways). Although I seek to find a balance, some
could fault me for sharing too many personal details, while others could be
offended that I haven't shared more of these details before.
See how as friends and family we often put ourselves and each other in
lose-lose situations?
My hope is that by
what I say, you'll know that it's just my perspective on my life at one linear
point of my eternity. I'm not saying that this is how others feel or should
feel, or even that my own feelings were consistent, and I'm not implying that I
am either wrong or right. I'm simply sharing my experience. Somewhat
guarded and somewhat leaving out details, but putting it out there
nonetheless. And if I get offended by what you think and you get offended
by what I say, well then, that's each our own problem, isn't it?
