Our Anniversary Miracle...

Happy 7th Anniversary to us!  That is my favorite holiday and Isaac is my favorite person ever!  He says he has a little matryoshka doll (me and the wee one inside) and it's sweet.  He's been a fabulous husband and father and very patient, as always, but especially through everything he's had to put up with this summer.  

Here are the details about the baby we're having...scroll through to the bold parts if you want the short answers.

When are you due?

Valentine's 2020, or if you ask the numbers king, he wants me to give birth a week late so we can have a 02/20/2020 baby. I think my preference would be something between these two popular days, but I'll take whatever. 

How many weeks are you?

My goal is not to count the weeks on this one. I dreaded that question with my pregnancy losses and it's just stressful to count up/down and makes it go by more slowly when I think about it. I'm hoping to be present with wherever I'm at and just experience it as it is! I can tell you that I'm around four months and that is twice as long as I've made it yet! My main emotion has been relief that the worst is over, because at this point I don't think I could repeat the hardest summer of my life and probably would have just stopped trying the pregnancy thing.  Thankfully the Lord assured me that I don't need to worry about losing this one, that the baby is fine, and I just need to focus on taking care of myself, especially spiritually.

When do you find out if you're having a boy or girl?

We won't be finding out the gender. We only have one more ultrasound.  I know the "gender reveal" is exciting and comforting for most people, but for others it's just a disappoint.  In our case, we want children of both sexes, and if you'd had as many painful ultrasounds as I have, you'd likely understand why I avoid them if possible. People went for centuries without ultrasound and they survived the unknown. 😊 And we're not concerned about knowing any potential problems ahead of time unless there is something specific that can be done to change the situation. However our babies come, we'll deal with it in time and love them just the same!  Plus, we're too practical and poor to get everything pink or blue and then redo, so anything we prepare in advance will be gender neutral anyway.  Lucky me that my favorite color is pale yellow!

What are you going to name him or her?

We will announce the name after the birth. I've had list of names for about 13 years now. Many have fallen off the list, but some remain constant.  I also have a husband who gets a say, and since he will be giving the children a name and a blessing, I'll be excited to see if/what he'll accept from my list!  Regardless, he won't be making any final decisions or giving spoiler alerts. I can guarantee some of you won't like the names for whatever reason, but that doesn't matter. We don't need the feedback either way. We will name our children what we present to the Lord and have confirmed by Him!  Our neighbor told us we reminded him of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible in this way.

Who are you seeing for an obstetrician and what's your plan for the birth?

I have a midwife group that works through the University of Utah. I've had one appointment with them and Isaac and I took a class about the benefits and practices of midwifery.  Their team has degrees in nursing and advanced degrees in midwifery. The best medical care I've received and most my current specialists are already at the U. Since they're the state's only designated "Baby Friendly" Hospital and top for high risk pregnancies, I didn't see a point in changing. A few years ago while visiting a patient there (little Madison) and ironically NOT liking the big hospital feeling and homeless scene of the ER, I had the prompting that it was right for my children to be born there, at least at first. Since that time I've had many doctor opportunities there and it's grown on me. I also love the idea of our children being born in my favorite city on Earth and where Isaac was born and raised. My hope is to have as few interventions throughout labor and delivery as possible, but we'll see how brave I can be and who will be more stubborn: me or the nurses. Hiring a doula to be our advocate and assist me in laboring should help.

Have you had lots of morning sickness yet?

With all due respect, I don't like that term.  I prefer it be called "anytime I'm not eating and sometimes even then sickness". Now I know why people gain weight in pregnancy!😋 I've actually been losing weight, though, because I have no energy physically or mentally to cook, let alone go buy groceries (see previous posts). I've had a bit of a belly most of the summer, but that's actually from bloating and candida in my stomach and not because the baby was big enough to show yet. So while the nausea and other health problems have been worse on this pregnancy, I've actually thrown up less (oddly to my chagrin), had less round ligament pain, less trips to the toilet, and stayed awake better than previous pregnancies. Unfortunately I'm in physical therapy because of problems in my hip area again and am back to fairly constant yeast infections or UTIs. And randomly my mouth and teeth have taken a hit as well.  I'm certainly not trying to complain, though.  Other people have it so much worse and the Lord has helped me get out of bed long enough to survive work. In short, for me, pregnancy is a lot harder than infertility, but I actually don't think it's the pregnancy so much as just Amber health issues on steroids. The Spirit told me that life wouldn't be life if things got easier instead of harder, and this is preparing me for the challenge of motherhood.

Is this why you have depression... because of your hormones?

No, but good question. (I had the same one myself even though the depression and anxiety diagnosis actually came prior.) But my endocrinologist and therapist both say hormones are not to blame: there are not really prenatal hormones that cause depression in the way postpartum ones do. They say I can pretty much guarantee I will have postpartum depression, though, but that this stems back from earlier stress from relationships and not from chemical imbalance. All my hormone levels and blood work are looking great! I didn't stay on the risky pregnancy list long and everything is looking healthy and normal for the baby.

Are you excited?

Trying to be! I've struggled more than ever before so it's hard to be happy when I don't feel like myself mentally and don't have the stamina I expected physically. I try not to guilt myself, but that turns into feeling guilty about feeling guilty, especially when most everyone else is so happy for us.  We are truly grateful for our blessings, and the perfect timing of the Lord. We've been nervous/anxious to be parents for a long time now, but we trust that it is now right.  We've received lots of comfort that even when things won't go perfectly, they will still be fine. The Lord continues to sustain us, teach us, and has shown plenty of tender mercies through our jobs and callings that have helped us endure.

Addendum: After announcing this news to many people, most seemed a little shocked that we're having children, particularly who have read the blog post from the spring. We don't blame you! We are pleasantly surprised ourselves that it worked out this soon, even though we always knew we would have our own someday. So no, we're not adopting a child or an embryo and yes, it's still true that we got nothing from our ICSI. Like we said, it's a miracle! 

Thanks for your interest and support!

Adventure Saturdays

Last year I offered to babysit Isaac's nieces and nephews once a week.  A couple of families took me up on it and it was a lot of fun for me, and hopefully their moms.  At the end of the year, however, I didn't feel right continuing that commitment, so Isaac and I looked for ways to see our families in other settings, especially where we could do things not appropriate for the Sabbath Day.

What resulted was a once-a-month "Adventure Saturday", adapted from a summer my college roommates and I went on Saturday outings.  The first half of the year has been a fun experience, and we love going to these places, too!

The first set of pictures is actually from last December at the Grand America hotel.  I love that place!

I also took these kiddos to a couple of care centers where we looked at Christmas trees and read Christmas books with the residents.

January: The Church History Museum

Miriam and Darius

Ben's tangram fish

February: Ogden Station (Indoor/outdoor trains, gun museum, antique car museum)

March: Salt Lake City Library

And a bonus moms' night downtown!  (Our sister Becca got sick.)  We explored Temple Square, City Creek, our Kimball hotel, and the avenues, including finding the home where Isaac grew up.

April: The Annual Blair Family and Friends Egg Hunt (no pictures here, but in our Easter baskets we completed our Groberg book collection!)

May: Baby Animals Days in Kaysville 

Madison, Ben

James, Miriam, Sophie, Lydia (Mia was standing by me and her mom)

Darius, Leila

Bonus Sunday dinner with Isaac's family, playing a game his brother-in-law, Micah made!

And in June, it's an adults-only movie invitation to go on your own to the Groberg's movie, Other Side of Heaven 2.  We are going to the premiere, but are happy to babysit while anyone else attends another showing!

Then we'll take a break for the summer unless the heat and wind cooperate to play frisbee golf.  Otherwise, party hearty anyone who wants to celebrate Autumn Equinox again at Millcreek Canyon in September!

Knocking the House About

You're familiar with the CS Lewis Quote where the Lord helps you progress gradually, until one day it feels more like a wrecking ball:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

This describes the month we've had. Save Isaac's job, it seems like everything else in our lives has changed. It's not all bad or good, pretty or ugly, it's just change--which is hard. Here's the bullet list and my "in hindsight" commentary:

* My every-afternoon job homeschooling ended. It was so odd to go from being at the Faber's every day to hardly ever talking to them again. I miss them! In hindsight, it was good timing to have a break. They were a huge financial blessing as my main source of income and that happened at a poor time because...

* We got a new (better) accountant who said we owed 5K in back taxes for said job.

* We had another 15K in medical bills, the biggest chunk of that being for another ICSI round (the most advanced fertility treatment) that was a complete bust and money dump for not getting a single embryo to work with. In hindsight, we're thankful we did it so that we have no regrets and can leave everything from here on out in the Lord's hands.

* The news was that fertility treatments would not prove useful to prevent pregnancy loss and deal with endometriosis because I was on the road to menopause. That is so shocking at my age that my doctor thought perhaps I had some rare genetic disorder. You'd think that would be a huge relief to be told not to bother going back to a doctor, but we were actually excited for IVF at this point and thought it would be our ticket to having as many children as we wanted...when we wanted...and into our old age (thanks to frozen embroys). Losing that control was more devastating than any previous pregnancy loss. In hindsight, I would experience it all again for the sake of my brother's wife, who had an almost-identical experience, yet worse, just a few weeks later. I treasure my friendship and empathy with her. (And turns out she and I don't have some rare genetic disorder, but that our ovaries were potentially damaged in prior surgeries and we simply have hardly any eggs left.)

* I'd been putting a lot of time into an integrated approach of physical therapy, physical training, chiropractic, and medical massage for my rotator cuff injury from over a year ago and problems from my last pregnancy in my hip. It was taking about $200/wk and though I didn't mind it, I was discouraged at my progress given the commitment. I just wanted to move on from those problems and nothing was working. In hindsight I can see that having those appointments and my temple job was the only thing getting me out of bed.

* When my regular doctor said my inflammation levels weren't good and put me on a specific diet where we were supposed to prepare our own fresh food from scratch several times a day, it was all too overwhelming and I had a mental breakdown. Thankfully my mom helped me prepare meals to last a couple of days and since then we've scrapped the recipes and just eat foods from the approved list.

*For the first time in a long time, I didn't go to mutual and canceled at the last minute. I wasn't missed but I felt guilty about it. I had been wanting to be released because I was getting burnt out and thought the girls deserved better. BUT...I concluded there were still some things I wanted to get better organized about and take care of before I'd be ready to pass on the baton. The next week the Bishop called me in and told me he'd already called a replacement and I was done. The activity I got to end on was a blessing, but instead of relief I just felt more guilt about not being up to the task and not having the YW organization in a place I wanted. In hindsight, I needed to be taking care of myself and the Lord releasing me was a blessing to have that off my plate.

*I was told by multiple people that at least I still had my church secretary job and what a great environment like the temple to find peace. That made me feel even more guilty because I get anxious about going to work. It's not like my job is sitting in the Celestial Room all day, and it actually can be a stressful, unhappy place in the recorder's office. Don't get me wrong, it's a huge blessing and I have friends there, but I often feel micromanaged and an expectation of near perfection, let alone a whole lot of employee and sometimes patron drama. My heart rate has doubled there and I'd panic every time I got a call from the office wondering what I had done wrong or when I had to work next. In hindsight, the Lord still blesses me to get through my shift every time and it is giving me a good place to practice some of the skills my counselor is teaching me such as assertiveness, boundaries, forgiveness, agency, dis-engaging, etc.

As difficult as the actual circumstances seemed at the time--to lose your job, your calling, your money, and your future children--I can see now that all of them really were blessings.

*Perhaps the hardest thing, then, was switching gears from physical problems (which are improving greatly probably thanks to the diet, exercise, and removing a lot of stressors) to mental problems. After all the tears and grief and stress ended from the above, I found myself the next month just staring at the wall with no emotion or motivation anytime I wasn't forced to be anywhere. Whereas I used to like people, now I'm scared of those that I know the best. That has happened to me before but I always blamed it on not having any physical energy, which now wasn't a problem. I could see that my counselor was right and even back in college, there were emotional issues that I didn't know how to deal with. The root of them seems to be not knowing who my human support system is and feeling rejected from all the unsympathetic responses or no response or help at all after trying to be vulnerable.  Relationships (or lack thereof) are my most difficult trial anyway and feeling like I was being pushed down by the very people who I thought would be there for me felt isolating and just created more social anxiety. I've never had to deal with mental illness in myself so it was very confusing, yet eye-opening. I sympathize with all who function with this debilitation and I'm excited to learn more about it so I can be more relate-able and increase my coping skills for future trials. My goal in learning this is to rely on the Lord more than others and become more emotionally and physically self-reliant. While I can't expect others to be perfect, the Lord is, and He has never left me. These experiences are one more testimony to me that He does what is in my best interest even if it don't like it.

And another blessing from all this is that Isaac, who has had his own bouts of depression and social anxiety, has had to pull my weight and is really trying hard to get his personal faith game on. That has translated to an increase in personal revelation and assurances from the Lord that our children will still be born to us when it is time and that we just need to focus on taking care of ourselves. He has increased his physical and mental stamina to work on the yard, the neighbor's house, exercise, read, stretch, and deal with some shoulder issues and a newer calling that he has. He's striving to do Come Follow Me and be more productive at work and home. In short, he is simply amazing and helpful and growing all the time. We feel we are developing better habits that will make parenting easier for us and we're glad the Lord has given us this time rather than giving us children five years ago. We could have learned from that, too, of course, but how much we have learned without them and still have a wonderful marriage and life!  "O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape"!

Thanks again for all those who were willing to fast for my emotions last month. I know others cannot fix my problems but every act of reaching out helps, whether someone wants it or not. I wish I had been less selfish and been there for others the way I wanted them to be there for me. My best birthday present was your fast because it helped me to see how grateful I should be and that my support system is there if I can learn better to minister and be ministered to. Please let me know how I can better meet your needs in your times of trial so that none of us is ever isolated or in despair! I know the Lord is loving us through kind acts and the acknowledgement of others and I want to be better about providing that service. Hugs!