Today taught me not to whine about not being appreciated like I did yesterday. Whoops!
When I rushed home for a quick dinner break, I figured I might as well get the mail on my way in to take advantage of my empty hands (which never happens since my car is basically my office). I've started getting my mail every other day, so that it's more exciting that way; otherwise the only thing I can count on are Daily Herald ads. (Even the credit cards have all but abandoned me, Emmaline!) Being an off day, I wasn't expecting much.
To my surprise there were just 2 small letters of what I call "real" mail: one from my aunt in California, and another from a lady in the Northridge stake at home that I'm only acquaintances with. Both were in response to cards I had sent them. Who are these people, that send thank you cards for thank you cards? They amaze me, and of everyone need to show the least appreciation, but are the type that show the most, because I had reason to thank them in the first place for their awesomeness.
Technically my aunt's was also a sympathy card, which caught me off guard at first to see that on the cover. She said, "I know that sympathy cards are usually sent after the death of a loved one. But I understand (by experience) that the ending of a romantic relationship can be as heartbreaking...." How sweet! And so true. For such a long time I felt like I never had real trials as a child, and then when a good friend died when we were almost 16, my world was thrown upside down and I've never stopped bawling since. :) (For other reasons, of course). I thought that experience, and seeing the death of two friends' mothers as well as other family friends was the worst--far above all my silly health dillemas. All the comforting words about the afterlife didn't stop the tears.
Without trying to be in the dumps, I'd say that the last while for me hasn't been much different in seeing a soon-to-be marriage die. In fact, it surpaasses the others, and yet I'm so grateful, because without them, I wouldn't be able to handle this. And without the support of such wonderful people in my life now, those who are true friends and are loving and forgiving and appreciative, I wouldn't be as far along as I am, even when I wish I were further. So many people have listened and listened to me be upset and cry, and offered consoling words and hope and advice. And they are all appreciated. I just wasn't ready to hear all of them yet, emotionally, I think, although logically they made complete sense. Thank goodness for hindsight! I was so blessed in the last 24hrs (after going a whole week without contacting/being contacted by the ex) to have a conversation with Petesie and her roommate where everything finally clicked about the past year. Today in the temple, I was reminded that if I really wanted to know the truth of all things, I could, if I would ask. So I did. And it was confirmed to me what I'd been trying to tell myself over and over but still wasn't working. I knew that what has happened was good and is good, and not that it just will be good. And I knew that if the Lord knew it was good, that's all that mattered and I had better start believing it.
Sorry to get so gushy on these blog posts, but thank you again for letting me bear my soul to my dearest dears, even if I'm not in Wyoming (where the long stretch of nothing leaves you little choice). But to quote my cheezy music man, Michael McLean, "hold on, the light will come." One day the mail will be real, and the truth will be felt. I'm crying still as I write this, but don't worry, things are looking up. Thanks everyone for your love.
I love you,
Amber :)
