There is a tendency I have to think that if things in my life are going poorly, it’s because I’m doing something wrong. I always feel like trials in my life are some of the best times, because I’m aching to learn more about myself, mankind, and God. When I do learn, and feel comforted by the scriptures, friends and family, and personal revelation, I take that as things going well, even if circumstances wouldn’t attest to it. It’s times like these that I can rattle off a saying I adapted, like I did to a struggling friend last week: “Living righteously doesn’t equate to living easily, just as living easily doesn’t equate to living righteously.” And I really believe that.
I also believe that for anyone but Jesus Christ, it is true that our lives could be better if we were living them better. He was perfect, but we are not, and never will be in this life. It’s a fine balance to adopt a sense of humility and fallibility, yet still have the confidence and motivation to positively progress. Feeling the perfect love from the Savior, I believe, gives us that balance to “boast not of myself, but…of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever” (Alma 26:12). We have done much good and we will continue to do much more.
The problem is…for me, that’s not always enough, if I know I’ve done wrong things too, or done right things, and seen no benefit. If I know the doctrine behind this, why can’t I act perfectly on what I know? Why can’t I feel that love and fix what I know is wrong? Well that would take away the point of making mistakes and learning from imperfection, wouldn’t it? Every time we had a problem, we’d find an uplifting quote or scripture, and shazam, we’d make the problem disappear. What I’m also not taking into account is that we can’t and shouldn’t be fixing other people and the Lord. Just because I have a choice doesn’t mean that you don’t also have a choice, and that Heavenly Father doesn’t have a plan.
That’s where my pride comes in and I want to boast of myself and not of God. I get hurt when I feel like I’m trying hard to be a good person, and other people don’t notice or care, or at least not enough to do anything about it. I’ve talked with both Michelle and Monique about this recently, where I get frustrated going out of my way to do a small act of service in order to think outside of myself, like stopping to talk to a neighbor, making someone breakfast, or smiling at someone at the mailbox. I’m making the world better, right?! It doesn’t seem like it when in return I get ignored by the neighbor, stood up by the eater, and brushed off at the mailbox. And then I realize, who was it for, Amber? Was it really for them? Or was it for you, to make you feel better about yourself? You can probably guess the answer, based on my motive to “think outside of myself.” In the end it turns selfish again. Ironic, huh? So I’m working on that. I’m working on being transparent with myself and others and serving for the right reasons, like I’ve been taught to for years by Elder Oaks in General Conference. He teaches me that “even the most extreme acts of service—such as giving all of our goods to feed the poor—profit us nothing unless our service is motivated by the pure love of Christ.”
Not everything I do will be perfect. Not everything I do will be for the right reasons. Does that mean I should stop being “good” unless I know I can be “best”? I’ve thought often on the quote that used to hang in my high school locker, attributed to Kent Keith, and posted at Mother Teresa’s orphanage:
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”
Because of this, I’ve already determined not to give up in serving everywhere and anyone I can, in situations that will benefit them, and not me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still have “hurt” days where I feel unappreciated (and it wouldn’t be by any of you who would be reading this and are very appreciative of me, so don’t worry :)). But then I have to ask myself, did they really need that service, or were you doing it for you? And I promise that if the service is sincere and needed, it will be appreciated, whether you know it or not. Today that came from a friend who thanked me for a thank you and it was the best thing that happened to me all day. Other times, a thank you won’t be necessary, and that is totally fine! “It was never between [me] and them anyway.” Whether I’m trying to be honest about my faults and trials, or put on an optimistic face because I know I am blessed, is of no concern when it comes to others’ opinion of me and my life. The only person I should be out to please is God. And I know He will always care.
